One of the hardest things about our loss is her not being here to watch my kids grow up. She and Little Miss had a really nice relationship, particularly in the last six months or so of her life. One of the things that I am so grateful for was that I thought to buy a book of nursery rhymes for my grandmother so she and Little Miss could cuddle in her chair and read.
And then there’s Mr. Man. She left us only 5 months after he was born, which just kills me since she was so looking forward to his birth, nicknaming him Butch while he was still in my belly, and loved him so much once he was here. Every time he hits a milestone, I want to cry knowing that she isn’t here to see it.
I worry that Little Miss will forget her. Logically I know she will since she was just over three when she died, but I don’t want it to happen. When we told her Nannan had been very sick and was in heaven now, she cried a little and accepted our explanation, never questioning what or where heaven was. It was like she just understood on a level that was unique to a child.
Time goes by, and I’m not sure if she remembers Nannan, but then out of no where she will mention her, or say that she is in heaven, and last night was by far the most touching time this has happened. Mr. Man was a total mess and just couldn’t make it till bedtime, so he was snuggled on the couch taking a quick, post-dinner catnap. Little Miss and I were sitting near the Christmas tree making “presents” out of Legos.
After insisting they were just Legos and didn’t have anything inside, Little Miss finally got on board with pretending and guessing with me what was in each “present.” Mr. Man got a truck, Daddy got a tie, she got a Glitter and Lights Ariel doll. Then we moved on to our extended family, everyone receiving a gift. Then she asked me, “What present does Nannan get?” so I asked her, “Does Nannan get a present in heaven?” She told me she does.
We decided she should get a crossword puzzle book since that was always one of her favorite Christmas gifts. I asked Little Miss if she ever sees Nannan (I have heard people’s crazy stories about kids seeing passed loved ones, so I was curious) and she said yes, she sees her in heaven. She was also adamant that she would be at my parents’ house on Christmas.
I was so pleased that she was remembering my grandmother, and I just felt like maybe she was looking down on us and Little Miss could feel it and wanted to remind me that she won’t be missing this holiday season. That she will always be with us.